You may be thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t you the communications pro, the one teaching people about presenting, attending events, and the one I meet for coffee?”  I am! I am that person… and I feel this makes me a reasonable candidate to suggest that we finally throw, “I’m Networking!” out the window. 

For the record, I truly enjoy meeting people. I love laughing and joking -hearing stories and telling stories. In short, I love the whole thing of making friends. What I don’t like is walking into a social situation where people are more worried about collecting cards and working the room then actually meeting someone. I hear the same reaction from clients whom will freely admit they hate networking because of the pressure, the fakeness, and the hype.

I think what creates this feeling of dread with networking is the same culprit that creates our feeling of dread toward public speaking. Like public speaking, when we engage in the act of networking we feel pressure to become someone smarter, smoother, and bigger than we are. We feel tremendous pressure to impress so we try too hard and overshoot. Often the very act of ‘trying’ leaves us feeling a little fake and superficial.  Then we look around and notice others doing exactly the same thing - quick conversations, eyes not making real eye contact but darting over people, overzealous handshakes and very little real interaction.  We begin to feel disconnected, stressful, and unreal. 

Not that many years ago large face-to-face networking events was THE WAY to touch many people at one time. In fact the widely taught strategy to effective networking was to move through the room with the goal to replace all your business cards with the business cards of others.  Today over four hundred million people are on Facebook alone, not to mention all the other forms of social media. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you want to touch many people at one time social media is the medium, not face-to-face events. Social media in all its forms allow you to promote, promote, promote…your business, my business, any business or any thing for that matter. The internet allows us to have at our finger tips resources and information within seconds.    

 The good news:

This shift in social media turns networking on its ear. It freed us… it released us from the burden and the fear of attending events to “network” and places the focus on attending events to build friendships rather than to promote brands or make the pitch. Even better news…the communication skills we use to make friends are the skills we take with us to events and conferences.  It’s sometimes hard to believe and even harder to accept but the vast majority of us has the necessary skills inside us already – the skill of making friends. So take some pressure off your next conference or social event and consider some of the following ideas:

Go to events to meet one person, not a crowd. Go prepared to smile and relax.  If you’re uncomfortable walking into a place by yourself take a good friend - someone you really enjoy – your ‘event buddy.’   Then go with the sole purpose that together you’ll befriend someone who either looks interesting or looks like they could use a friend.

Attend events because you want to and you’re interested.  Volunteer your time and help others because you feel moved. Be involved in activities that reflect your values and you’re automatically surrounded by people who share some common goals.

 Don’t feel any pressure to talk about your service or businesses when you first  meet someone instead concentrate on striking up something real.  You’ll know when to talk about your business because that person will ask; “What do you do?”  Then be gracefully short about your response, and get back to the business of   building relationships. When you become genuinely interested in others people will sense this and will become more interested in you. Honestly, free yourself of the sales pitch because events are neither the time nor the place.

Focus your energy on talking about what others do and introducing people.  This will get you out of the frantic I need your business so here’s my elevator pitch – which feels so fake!  I mean think about it, how many people would say they didn’t need more business?  Exactly… we’re all in the same boat so let’s just chill and enjoy the journey and friends make the journey worth while.

Building friendships is just plain good business. We all prefer to do business with people whom we know, like, and trust.  When a client becomes a friend both parties are motivated to promote and do business with one another.  Through social media we have a free stage to promote one another and that my friend is the power of the network in action.  A network is the natural outcome of interconnected people and strongest when it’s based on friendships.  I say ditch the pitch and the networking – throw them right out the window and go out there and be real and meet some other real people.

For the past several years, I have been searching for a public speaking class that would teach me how to calm my nerves and show me how to structure a speech in an environment where I wasn’t negatively critiqued or graded.  Just when I didn’t think such a class existed, I stumbled upon yours and I’m so glad that I did.  I now have the tools to put a consise speech together and remain calm while delivering it. I can’t thank you enough!  I’m looking forward to taking your intermediate class so that I can become even more confident.

Sincerely,

Kathleen Kenny ]]> http://www.onleebowden.com/graduates/kathleen-kenny-shares-her-experience/feed/ 0 http://www.onleebowden.com/uncategorized/patty-cantrell-senior-policy-specialist-michigan-land-use-institute/ http://www.onleebowden.com/uncategorized/patty-cantrell-senior-policy-specialist-michigan-land-use-institute/#comments Fri, 16 Jul 2010 14:17:53 +0000 Onlee Bowden http://www.onleebowden.com/?p=850 Onlee Bowden has made the difference in how I how approach audiences and my career. Her coaching helped me focus my thoughts, my hands, and my heart on my core message. Now I share it with confidence and clarity.

Patty Cantrell, 

senior policy specialist, Michigan Land Use Institute

principal, Core Connections Consulting

Lew Coulter

Executive Director

Grand Traverse Conservation District

1450 Cass Road

Traverse City, MI 49684

P:  231.941.0960

F:  231.941.0837

email:  lewcoulter@gtcd.org

www.NatureisCalling.org

I am often told that I have one of the world’s most interesting jobs—adventure journalist—and I get frequent invitations to speak about my adventures. For years, I have wanted to become an effective public speaker. But fear has held me back.

When I’m telling stories on the pages of a magazine, or looking down the snout of an AK-47, I can be very convincing as a communicator. But when I get up in front of a sea of peering eyes, my heart starts pumping freon. As self-conscious panic takes over, the wiring that connects my intellect with my vocal cords tends to short-circuit.

“Fear,” says speaker-training guru Onlee Bowden, “is something I spend a lot of time helping people develop a new relationship with.”

Earlier this year, I was offered a chance to attend Bowden’s one-on-one “Speak for Yourself” boot camp in northern Michigan’s lakeside town of Traverse City. Over the course of four days, Bowden promised, she would calm my fears, trim my preparation time (I tend to over-plan), and have me ready to deliver–largely without notes–an impactful half-hour presentation. Bowden’s approach, she told me, is to build on people’s strengths and help them develop the ability to comfortably and confidently speak from the heart.

The potential rewards seemed worth the risks. Over the course of my career I had managed to make friends with a certain kind of vulnerability, as I traveled to unbalanced places and managed unstable situations. But the idea of speaking in public continued to pull me farther out of my comfort zone than just about anything else. I was intrigued and exhilarated by the idea of sidestepping the whole publication process and connecting directly with people, to tell them my stories.

Despite my fears, I had in the past accepted some invitations to speak. When my talks had gone well, the sense of satisfaction had run deep. I felt energetic and robust, smart and more fully alive. But as often as not, anxiety had hindered my ability to be fully in the moment, to be completely involved with the story and the audience.

“If you’re like most of my clients, fear will always be part of your experience,” Bowden told me shortly after my arrival. “But the moment you bring it up to a conscious level, you can start undoing those ingrained thought paths, and start creating new ones. Then you can begin to look at all the ways fear is affecting your life. For instance, procrastination is a big one with many people—and usually it’s fear-based.”

Bowden had arranged for me to speak to an audience of about 100 at the end of the week. In the talk, I planned to introduce some of the extraordinary people I had profiled in my magazine stories, people whose own stories embody a spirit of adventure. I would discuss how these individuals managed to shape once-ordinary lives into extraordinary, world-changing adventures.

On the first day of the training, Bowden surprised me by categorizing what I wanted to do as “motivational speaking.” I chafed. To me, the term brought to mind mega-church preachers and get-rich-quick cheerleaders—people who try to cash in by inflating the hopes and dreams of gullible audiences. But Bowden had a different view.

“Think about any one of your stories—for instance, the guy [Lawrence Anthony] who sneaked into the middle of the Iraq invasion to save the animals in the Baghdad zoo. That’s inspirational stuff. People are bombarded by trivia; they want to feel moved. If you tell those stories in a compelling way, you will motivate people.”

As a writer of narrative nonfiction, I go out and gather facts and impressions, then harness them to the techniques of literary fiction. I spend a lot of time building story structures and constructing narrative arcs, ascribing themes and subtexts to events, places and characters. But according to Bowden, what I do best—writing sentences—is “the kiss of death with public speaking.”

“Your biggest challenge,” she said, as we worked on the structure of my presentation, “will be to come down the ladder of abstraction. People are lazy listeners; they want to be entertained. You’ll need to simplify it, and put your stories in a format and flow that’s easy to follow. Keep it to two or three main points; keep it clean and clear.”

Bowden knows how it feels to lose track during a presentation, to have that shake in your voice, to feel your face flush. “I had a huge fear,” she said of her early public speaking experiences.

A former communications instructor at Central Michigan University, Bowden honed her craft in front of her students. She drew on her background in drama—which taught her how to claim her space physically, project her voice, and gesture in ways that would complement her speech—and combined it with the concentration she learned while earning a black belt in martial arts. Then she mixed in some communication theory and organizational strategies.

By the second day, I could see that her formula was working. My script had begun with 10 pages of notes; by day two it was down to three.

“Let’s get it to one,” Bowden said. “When you have fewer notes, you’re forcing yourself to get your head in the game. Just write down single words that will serve to bring you back into the flow. Apart from that, I want you to talk spontaneously.”

As she works with speakers, Bowden quotes everyone from Malcolm Gladwell to Eckhart Tolle and Daniel Coyle. She often talks about “staying inside the presentation,” which sounds a little new-agey, but it’s actually an old concept.

“It means staying focused on the here and now. You don’t allow your mind to race ahead or to play sideline commentary. It is the most important part of both speaking and listening—and probably the hardest for anyone to do. It takes discipline and concentration.”

Bowden explained that our brains can finish thoughts much faster than we speak, allowing us to race ahead or to start engaging in self-talk. The problem is that the brain cannot be in two places at once. Once we leave the present conversation, concentration is broken. 

“For this reason more than any other,” Bowden said, “people get lost when they’re speaking in front of others. Not because they don’t know how to finish ideas, but because they’ve allowed their thoughts to race ahead.”

By the third day, with Bowden’s guidance, I had organized a series of six anecdotes into three sections, each of which reinforced the central idea of the talk. Then I kept tweaking the presentation, thinking of the audience and asking: What do they want to know? What will ring true? What will be memorable and compelling?

We paid particular attention to the transitions between stories and sections. We worked on gestures and eye contact, timing and rhythm. We integrated the elements of effective face-to-face communication into my own communication style, which tends to be informal.

By Thursday afternoon it was coming together, all except for one troublesome section, which we decided to cut. “Anything that doesn’t enhance the message must go,” said Bowden.

Each time we practiced together, I made a few blunders.

“Please don’t worry about being perfect,” Bowden told me, “because blunders don’t matter when you speak from the heart. You don’t want to be perfect, you want to be perfectly compelling. You want to be passionate, and have the best part of your personality to come through, the way you are when you’re relaxed and hanging with friends.”

On the morning of the presentation, I felt it was getting pretty good. But then why was I still so nervous?

“Let’s work on breathing,” Bowden told me, as she led me toward the stairway of a parking garage next to her office. She waited for me as I ran up and down four flights of stairs, three times in a row, until I was gasping for breath. Bowden had me breath from my diaphragm, working it up and down, slowly and deeply. After a couple of tries, I found that it was easy to get my breathing back under control.

As we headed over to the library, she told me: “If anyone asks you if you’re nervous before the talk, just say, ‘I’m excited.’ And remember: Nervousness is just extra energy. Channel it into the moment you’re in, and put it to work.”

As the audience filed into the auditorium, I ducked out behind the building for a quick walk. I conjured an image of myself giving the presentation. I pictured myself speaking with a clear and confident voice, and in my mind’s eye, I could see the audience responding.

Then I went inside and knocked ’em dead.

                                                ###

Tom Clynes, National Geographic Adventure

“I just finished my last In Your Own Words class and wanted to let you know what a great class this was for me. It really did change my life. I was terrified of speaking in front of large groups and this class put all those fears to rest. I learned some great techniques for controlling my fear and anxiety. I am also so thankful for learning the proper structure of a presentation. I will apply these tools on a daily basis I’m sure. Thanks for this great opportunity!”

- Susan Vigland, Human Resources, Hagerty Insurance

Before I lead us in prayer, I would like to say share a few thoughts.

Today you will hear the stories of my Grandmother’s life. Some of her journeys as a girl, then a young woman, a wife, a mother, and finally as a grandmother; but for a few minutes, I would like to share with you the moment when my Grandmother passed away.

During the time we waited for her strong willed body to finally lay it’s self to rest, there was always a family member there… holding and kissing her hands, running their fingers through her hair, and fussing over if she was comfy enough. The beautiful part is that all of her children were there telling childhood stories, laughing, weeping, and supporting each other through their time of need.

I read a saying once that said, “friends are God’s apology for family.” This may be true at times but it sure wasn’t the case here. I can say one thing for this family… when tragedy strikes, we all unite for comfort and a loving shoulder to cry on. I sure hope that when I pass, my boys show me the honor that Grandma’s children have given her.

Through all of this there is one special person I really want to capture… my Uncle Stanley.

Stanley never left his Mother’s side. We even had a hard time convincing him that it was alright to please go and brush his teeth! He stood next to her side frequently letting her know that she was loved, a wonderful Mother, and that we were all there with her. When her moment came, he was the only one with her and it warms my heart to the core to know that he wasn’t robbed of that very special moment. My Aunt Jane said it so true “we know Mom was waiting for her and Stanley to be alone, because that’s the way she would have wanted it.”

Grandma, as your grandchild I will miss your sugar coated pancakes and snuggles wrapped up in a towel after a bath when you would rock me singing, “I love you a bushel and a peck.” And now I can even say I will miss the “huge” hand made underwear you always sewed for us as children.

After everything is said and done, I sure hope there was a huge Madre Gras parade waiting for your grand arrival into heaven… “You bet your dirty neck I do.”

• Be visually interesting and engaging.
• Get organized, stay organized, and speak your organization.
• Have something worthwhile to say, and say it with passion.
• Connect to your audience. Think about what they need and want.
• Be memorable.

The reason:

We have what’s called “thought speed” this is where our brains process information about three times faster than we speak. In essence, we have the ability to finish someone’s sentence and drift off into other subjects of greater importance, (such as what we need to pick up from the store,) way before the person actually finishes their idea.

The bottom line:

It makes us lazy listeners. Instead of using that “thought speed” time more productively by controlling our desire to drift and daydream while others our speaking, we usually just spend that time thinking about what we are going to say next.

In public speaking, the same problem occurs. Our brains can finish our thoughts much faster than we speak, allowing us to race ahead or to start engaging in self-talk. The problem is that our brains really can’t be in two places at once, at least not with respect to communication. As soon as any of us leave the present conversation, we have broken our concentration. More than any other reason, this is why people get lost when they are speaking in front of other. Not because they don’t know how to finish ideas but because they allowed their thoughts to race ahead.

A strategy:

Maintain your concentration on the very real here and now. Pay attention to how often you drift and daydream while others are speaking and challenge yourself to come back to the present.